The Xmen Present: Goldilocks and the Three Bears
by Chellerbelle
Summary: The story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, X-men style. Includes cast and narrator commentary. Just for laughs.
1. Goldilocks and the Three Bears

**AN: **

_Goldilocks and the Three Bears_ was requested by:

Alierana  
SuniGyrl

* * *

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Tabitha.

* * *

"I'm not little," Tabitha objected, paused and then asked excitedly: "Hey does this mean I'm the hero of this story?"

**Looks like it doesn't it?**

"Woohoo!"

* * *

Now it happened one day that Tabitha went wandering in the woods. She picked flowers, climbed trees –

* * *

"Blew stuff up?" Tabitha asked.

**If you really want to.**

"Oh I want to," Tabitha said.

"I approve," said Gambit.

"Of course you do," said Rogue cynically.

* * *

- and quite lost track of time as she wandered deeper and deeper into the words. Tabitha was feeling quite hungry and tired when she came across a little cabin.

Tabitha knocked on the door, but when there was no reply, she let herself in.

* * *

"Typical," said Pietro.

Tabitha grinned at him.

* * *

Inside the cabin, Tabitha found three bowls of porridge on the table. She tried some of the porridge in the first and biggest bowl, but it was too hot. She tried some in the medium bowl, but it was too cold. So she tried some of the porridge in the third bowl and it was just right.

Of course, standing up and eating the porridge was clearly a silly idea, so Tabitha sat in the biggest chair at the table, but it was too hard. She tried the medium chair, but it was too soft. So she tried the smallest chair and it was just right.

* * *

"This is the perfect story for you," Lance said, giving Tabitha a dire look. "Goldilocks sounds just like you."

Tabitha chuckled wickedly.

* * *

Tabitha then took the small bowl of porridge and ate it all up. She leaned back in the chair was she was done, and then tumbled to the floor as the chair broke beneath her.

After her purloined meal, Tabitha made her way upstairs where she found the bedrooms. She tried the first and biggest bed, but it was too hard. Next she tried the medium sized bed, but it was too soft. The third and smallest bed was just right and Tabitha felt straight asleep.

* * *

"And now for the moment of truth," said Gambit gleefully. "Who are the bears?"

"Sabretooth, Logan and X-23," Rogue joked.

"Which one's Mama Bear?"

"Sabes."

Sabretooth growled and launched towards Rogue, with his claws outstretched, but was tackled by Logan just in time. Gambit nudged Rogue.

"Domestic violence?"

Rogue giggled.

* * *

Now it happened not long thereafter that the owners of the house returned home. They noticed the disarray of their kitchen immediately.

"Someone's been eating my porridge," Remy exclaimed.

"Someone's been eating _my_ porridge," Anna objected.

"Someone's been eating my porridge," Jamie said pathetically, his bottom lip sticking out, "and they gobbled it all up!"

* * *

"Aww!" said Kitty. "You're so cute, Jamie."

"Hey, we got a cute kid this time," Rogue said, grinning at Gambit.

* * *

"Someone's been sitting in my chair," Remy said with a frown.

"Someone's been sitting in _my_ chair," Anna said tersely.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair and they broke it!" Jamie exclaimed.

* * *

"How come they didn't see the broken chair before everything else?" asked Rogue.

"Hey Tabby," Lance said, grinning at her. "You broke Jamie's chair. I thought Blob was the only one who went around doing that."

Tabitha blew raspberries at him.

* * *

After that, they decided to check the rest of the house. The little family headed upstairs and checked their bedrooms.

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed," Remy said.

"Someone's been sleeping in _my_ bed," said Anna.

* * *

"Why do we have separate beds?" asked Gambit.

Snikt.

"That's why," said Logan.

"A little late for that, mon ami, seeing as how we're the proud parents of Jamie," Gambit replied with a smirk.

* * *

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed and they're still in it!" Jamie declared.

As if sensing she was being watched, Tabitha woke from her sleep. She took one look at them, screamed, pushed past them and ran all the way home

* * *

**The end.**

"I understand," said Rogue. "I scream too when I wake up to find Remy watching me."

Tabitha laughed.

"Oui," Gambit said suggestively. "Screams my name."

"And then demands that you get out of my room," Rogue added.

Snikt.

"Uhh, chere," Gambit said as he stood and backed away from Logan. "Perhaps you should remind M'sieu Claws that we're dating now and that I'm not going places I haven't been invited."

"You're a thief," Logan pointed out. "You always go places you're not invited."

"Hmm, good point," Gambit considered and bolted from the room with Logan right on his tail.

"I suppose you're still mad at me for that 'Mama Bear' comment," Rogue said to Sabretooth.

"Yep," Sabretooth said.

"Should I start running too?"

"Yep."

"Okay. Mind if I borrow you, Pietro? Thanks."

Rogue touched Pietro quickly to absorb his super-speed and zipped out of the room. Sabretooth followed her out, although he had no chance of catching her lead. Everyone looked at Jamie.

"What?" Jamie asked.

"Well," said Tabitha, "you're the only one in the story who hasn't run away."

Jamie clapped his hands and another Jamie appeared. The second Jamie ran off.

"Better?" Jamie asked.

"Much," Tabitha replied.


	2. The Audition Tapes

**AN: **

Why is it you always come up with the best lines after the fact? Lucida Lownes expressed some disappointment that there wasn't any Cannonboom (Sam/Tabitha). So of course, two minutes after I replied I came up with the idea of having Sam as Baby Bear and in the commentary following finding Tabitha in his bed saying something like "hey any time you want to come to my bed..."

Sigh.

Which brings us to:

* * *

**The Audition Tapes**

**Toad, auditioning for Baby Bear:**

"Hey yo, I'm Baby Bear," said Toad, jumping onto the chair. "Aww man! Someone's been eating my oatmeal, yo."

**Porridge. And the line is "Someone's been eating my porridge and they gobbled it all up!"**

"Oh, huh, right. Lemme start over. Ahem," Toad said. "Hey yo! Someone's been eating my oat-umm, porridge, and they gobbled it all up!"

**Sigh.**

* * *

**Pietro, auditioning for Baby Bear;  
Amara, auditioning for Goldilocks:**

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed and they're still in it!" Pietro said.

Amara sat up, yawned, stretched and then looked at Pietro. She let loose an ear piercing scream and bolted. Pietro ran after her.

"Caught ya, slowpoke," Pietro said smugly.

"Hey, that's not how the story goes!" Amara objected.

* * *

**Lance, auditioning for Papa Bear;  
Kitty, auditioning for Mama Bear;  
Kurt, auditioning for Baby Bear:**

"Someone's been eating my porridge!" Lance exclaimed.

The room began to shake.

"Lance! Stop that!" Kitty objected. "See what you've done? You've broken the chair. Now we have to start over."

**Umm, the chair is supposed to be broken.**

"Oh, right... I knew that. Ahem," Kitty said quickly while Lance pulled a face at her. "Someone's been eating my porridge!"

"Aww, man," said Kurt, looking into the empty bowl on the table. "Someone's been eating my porridge and they gobbled it all up."

* * *

**Wanda, auditioning for Goldilocks:**

After she finished trying the chairs, Wanda picked up the first bowl and began eating that quite happily in Baby Bear's chair.

**Umm, Wanda, that's Papa Bear's bowl. You're supposed to be eating from Baby Bear's bowl.**

"Eww, no thanks," said Wanda. "I hate lukewarm porridge."

* * *

**Gambit, auditioning for Mama Bear;  
Rogue, auditioning for Papa Bear:**

**Hang on, that can't be right...**

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed," said Rogue, glaring at the bed.

"How can you tell? That mattress of yours is so hard," Gambit replied.

"I like things hard," Rogue said coyly.

"Oh yeah? 'Cause I like things _soft_," Gambit responded with a glint in his eyes

Rogue chuckled and tugged Gambit towards the bed.

**You two are deliberately messing up this audition so that I don't cast you again, aren't you?**

* * *

**Bobby, auditioning for Papa Bear;  
Jubilee, auditioning for Mama Bear;  
Sam, auditioning for Baby Bear;  
Tabitha, auditioning for Goldilocks:**

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed," said Sam as he looked down at Tabitha pretending to be asleep. "And they're still in it!"

Bobby and Jubilee rushed to the bedroom door as Sam sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Hmm," said Bobby. "Let's leave these two alone, shall we?"

"Hey what?" Sam asked in surprise.

Jubilee giggled and closed the door. Tabitha continued to pretend to be asleep and Sam looked at her helplessly.

"You know, Tabby," Sam said after a moment, "if you wanted to sleep in my bed, you could have joined me any time."

Tabitha opened her eyes, screamed, shot out of bed, ran for the door and started banging on it with her fists.

"Help, help!" she cried. "I'm locked in with a little bear who thinks he's a southern gentleman – and a really bad one at that. Help!"

**Well, I suppose I should give her points for staying in character...**

* * *

**Logan, auditioning for Papa Bear;**  
**Storm, auditioning for Mama Bear;  
X-23, auditioning for Baby Bear:**

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed," Logan growled.

"Someone has been sleeping in my bed," Storm sighed.

"Someone is sleeping in my bed right now," X-23 said.

**Deadpool, auditioning for Goldilocks:**

"That's right, punks," Deadpool declared, throwing off the bed clothes. "This is my house now!"

He pulled out his guns, shot X-23 (who promptly healed), then Logan who had stepped in front of Storm and –

**Wade, I don't recall inviting you to these auditions.**


End file.
